Vengeful Neurotic

I’ve never really tried to define who I am as a person, it always seemed to vary depending on my mood. I read recently that your twenties are supposed to be when you figure out who you are, or at least who you want to be. I know what I would love to be, a successful, reclusive, author. What am I currently though?

Have you ever played Zelda? Whenever Link finds something that you need he turns to the screen and holds whatever it is up and fanfare plays. I’ve felt that way recently when I realized certain words described a part of me perfectly, no matter what mood I’m in. It was almost like there was an audible click and I couldn’t understand why I had never realized those words fit me so perfectly. So far it’s only happened twice and the words are probably not what anyone would want to be described as, but they fit like a tailor-made glove. Should I try to change so they no longer fit? Can I change parts of me that, at least I feel like, have been with me forever? Do I even want to try?

Neurotic– of, relating to, constituting, or affected with neurosis

Neurosis– a mental and emotional disorder that affects only part of the personality, is accompanied by a less                distorted perception of reality than in a psychosis, does not result in disturbance of the use of language, and is accompanied by various physical,   physiological, and mental disturbances

Symptoms (according to Wikipedia): …anxiety, sadness or depression, anger, irritability, mental confusion, low sense of self-worth, etc., behavioral symptoms such as phobic avoidance, vigilance, impulsive and compulsive acts, lethargy, etc., cognitive problems such as unpleasant or disturbing thoughts, repetition of thoughts and obsession, habitual fantasizing, negativity and cynicism, etc. Interpersonally, neurosis involves dependency, aggressiveness, perfectionism, schizoid isolation, socio-culturally inappropriate behaviors, etc.

Now I don’t suffer from all of those symptoms but when I read them out loud to my husband his eyes got large and he was almost yelling when he said “That is you!”

Vengeful– feeling or showing a desire to harm someone who has harmed you : feeling or showing a desire for vengeance

There’s really not much more to add to that. I’ve never sought out or been given a reason to seek out vengeance, but evidently I give off the air of someone who could dole out violence. Only when my family or myself have been threatened of course. A lot of people when they’ve only known me for a little while and don’t know me very well display the demeanor of a person afraid for their lives when around me. This lasts until I tease them about it and they realize what they’ve been doing and they can’t understand why and stop. Until they piss me off. Then they go back to cowering. This seems to mainly only happens with men; though I worked with a young woman who told me she was kind of afraid of me. When I asked her why she said I read too much, that I probably knew all kinds of ways to kill someone.

So there are the two words I’ve found so far that describe me. As an author I know the value of the perfect descriptive word so I’m happy that I now have these, but I’m not sure if they are good words to be described as. What words would you use to describe yourself?

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